I can't recall how I've spent the last two September 11ths. I remember the memorial in 2002 and 2003. All day today I didn't want to hear anything about the memorial on the radio or TV. I can't say why but I think it's because I couldn't handle the emotions it brings out in me. Come time for the 5:00 news I was in a different place. In a lot of ways I felt like I did on September 11, 2001; I wanted to soak up all the info I could.
I'll always remember that day. I think I can remember what I was wearing but I'm not sure if that's true. I remember it was a Tuesday. I was running late. I wanted to sleep as long as I could and as a result I didn't have time to take a shower before class. I ran downstairs to gobble up some breakfast before I headed to class--I was a Senior at UT and I was on the way to Intro to Counseling Psychology. Later that day I had Psychology of Motivation, but I ended up skipping it. I turned on the TV and Katie Couric and Matt Lauer were talking about how the first plane had hit the north tower. While I was watching, the plane hit the south tower. On the way into campus the plane crashed at the Pentagon.
That was the first morning I remember listening to news radio on the ride in. It was before I fell in love with NPR. My counseling psych professor was like-minded; he said, "I think this is a time when we should all be watching the news" and cancelled class. By that time a lot of inaccurate information about motive had started to be spread and I was scared. I called my dad while on the bus on the way to my car and he helped to calm me down.
I got home and just sat in front of the TV. What I'll always remember although I don't think about it often is that the enormity of how scared and sad I was didn't hit me until I got home, sat in front of the TV and saw a shot of armed guards on the roof on the White House. And at that point I literally fell over onto my side, crying, on the couch.
That semester I was volunteering for a psych lab and decided to go in (because I didn't know until I got there that they let the students go home). I came home and watched more TV. Then Katie came home and we went out to eat at Chili's. I needed a drink. And I remember saying just that.
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I think certain things we block out. Like I remember where I first saw what was going on that day (9-11-01), but I don't remember how I spent the rest of the day. I'm sure I was watching television with everyone else in the US. I think that day just put me in a hase. I return to that hase every year. Its just too hard to process.
Like the tsunami day. I felt this incredible feeling of loss. 100,000 people wiped from the earth. That kindof loss of life permeates through people. It did me. I couldn't stop thinking about all of the people who would never be missed because they lived in some remote place alone. Then, I missed them. Weird. Erie feelings. I have to stop thinking about it for now.
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